A Better Version of Me

My, my.  has it really been so long since we last talked?

Well, a lot can change in 4 months, no matter where you are in the great wide world, so i've got some catching up to do, yeah?

It is now July 14th, 4 days after my 24th birthday, and when I think of the time between the 23rd and the 24th, i feel like a few years have passed between.  But it's just one more trip around my sun, again from the equator.

My mother and step-father came and went and we had such a good time.  And to see the family face to face put all our hearts at ease. To share my life here and take a piece of my old life from them was just what I needed to feel complete again.  

July has been a very happening month, however.  It began normal enough and now is flying by with all sorts of happenings.  One of the worst and most memorable (?) was the death of Justine, the 28 year old daughter of my surrogate Ugandan mama - Agnes.  I have seen Ugandan burials, i have met people only to learn of their deaths 3 days after we have met, i have seen the role that death plays in life here (of course, all of our lives).  At first, it just seemed another unnecessary death of a much needed person.  Preventable, in my eyes.  But I don't have Ugandan eyes. She died, although we are not sure what of.  Possibly meningitis, or maybe cerebral malaria.  Whatever it was, the cause is not given too much attention here.  Because, whatever the cause, it was done and it was death.  While I can tear my hair out wondering, wondering, wondering what she died of and how it could've been prevented, her family only has the reality that she is gone, gone, gone for good.  As Agnes said when I met with her the day after her daughter's death, "I have nothing to do with her anymore...We have nothing to do."  So we bury the dead, put them in their family's earth so they can be home forever.  And that is that.

To see Agnes and her children go through the day was the most frightening thing I have witnessed so far in this country.  It was like watching my own mother if my own sister had been lost.  It's almost as if the actual death does not bother me...it's the chaos left in its wake.  The suffering of those you love.  That is what is terrifying.  Agnes was right: we have nothing to do with her anymore.  We only have our pain, and now we have to deal with ourselves.  She couldn't have said it better. 

I still have my girls club, but it has fallen into a hiatus since my parents came and went.  The girls are doing well and beginning their mock examinations, to prepare them for next terms final exams, so their input into the club has floundered as they study.  Sometimes, I feel like most the students here just revise, revise, revise.  They study much more intensely than I ever did and I admire them more and more, and shame myself for my own lazy habits!  RUCODEP is still making their beads and jewelry...slowly by slowly, the tradional way.  In May, we made a good profit just by selling within Kaliro: 15,000 Ush.  so, about $7-$8.  June was so slow with product, but we scraped by with 5,000 Ush.  The members are only getting better and better at rolling the paper, and I have been so happy to witness them let their creativity roll (literally).  

I did recieve my Peace Corps grant to put on a training in August for HIV/AIDS outreach, where I will be training girls from my club and members from RUCODEP to be HIV trainers within Kaliro.  This was good and welcome news, although now I have to really get down to work!  People here are always ready to listen to me, although many times, I question what exactly it is that i am saying...is it right? is it wrong? could it be taught better?  Do i even have a good enough knowledge base?  Somehow, I get through.  And learn to be better the next time round.  A big piece of me that has grown here is my perception of myself.  I force myself to question the authority around me (including but not limited to the Peace Corps, RUCODEP and Ugandan politics).  But i am more importantly forced to question myself and work with myself in a way that I can learn from me, and not rip me apart.  I did not accept this job just so I could tear myself down every time I fail (or don't live up to my own expectations).  I accepted this job to become, as Fiona says, "a better version of me".  AHH...The selfish jabber of a PCV, eh? 

Yes, the past year has brought me into run-ins with "cultural relativism" and barriers I did not think I could hurdle over.  it has been strife and struggle and good times in my own time.  All in all, the 23rd was a good year...even if curiously enough, I hardly ever had time to even think of my own age, and even forgot how old I was at some point.  But, this last year here, Ill enjoy my next rotation and see what it brings me.

These are the thoughts coloring my mind this month.

Sooner or Later

World Party

Positivity; Positivity please won't you breathe on me.
Positively; I'm positively freezing to death.
I want to find my way to my own time.
Relativity; I'm waving at you while you're driving by me.
Relatively; It's getting harder to catch a breath.
I want to find myself in a good time.

Faith; You don't need to believe it.
Faith; 'Cause they're just going to deceive you/
Sooner or later.

Sensitivity; I'm in need of those things that you do to me.
Sensibility; Having a feeling is not enough.
Don't want to talk on by my own time.
Possibilities; The possibilities dance all around me.
Momentarily; Just takes a second to lose your way.
But I can myself in my own mind.

Faith; You don't need to believe it.
Faith; 'Cause they're just going to deceive you/
Sooner or later.
And I know, I know, I know ...
Know and you'll feel so sure.
Sooner or later,
I'll find out.
Sooner or later.
Find myself.