First week in America. Someone told me that if I don't like it too much here, not to fret - I'll be going to Thailand soon.
But dislike isn't what's on my mind. I actually felt very neutral about being here, at first. It could be that it hadn't "hit" me yet, or that I just felt like I was visiting - whatever it is, it has left me feeling rather strange. Driving myself around almost gives me a sense of independence that I wasn't quite ready for. And driving a vehicle all alone after so many months of being crammed into one with 22 other people is a rather lonely experience. Not that I exactly miss mutatu rides or the rush of seeing my life flash before my eyes every 10 minutes, or the leering gaze of some man who wants a muzungu wife, or that annoying over-the-shoulder reader next to me who is reading my text messages - but it is some form of 'missing' that I feel. Most people would say that I was just 'used to it'. Yeah, I was used to it - and I loved it all.
Not gonna lie, there is a feeling of my freedom being lost (even if I've gained independence with a car), that I feel for some reason coming back to America. I'm not sure why, since my Ugandan life was imposed on me, my way of living was imposed on me, the restrictions of a different culture and society were imposed on me. Talk about a loss of freedom. But maybe it's because I chose to 'subject' myself to Uganda, that is what made me feel more free than I do in America. The fact that I forced myself to adapt, everyday, to a new environment gave me a sense of freedom that I've never quite had before. And the fact that it wasn't 'my' society or 'my' culture - I was viewed as a guest - until it came time to leave, and then not one of my Ugandan friends understood just why I had to go. It sounded silly to tell them that 'my time was up'. Isn't time what life is made of and it's never up; there is always more time.
One of my biggest impressions being back in America, is that being here can be just as lonely as being an outsider in a different culture. Ever since I stepped off the plane in JFK, I've done most things alone, and even when I'm around lots of people, I'm still just me, adapting again, but this time to my original way of life. No, the first few days weren't so bad. It's this week that is hitting me that I am gone from Uganda. I get to talk to Daniel, and feel that he is so lucky that he gets to see Agnes and Joseph and be the one to share a dinner with them. I'll call it jealousy for now. He gets to wake up at his home and carry on life as we have known it for the past 2 years, and I am jealous. I know there is something important in acknowledging when it is the right time to go. When things have become stagnant and a change is in the air and cannot be ignored. Change is always welcome in my world; but I'm a rather nostalgic person and memories are hard for me to leave behind.
I'm not even sure where to go with this blog entry...it's all very frustrating. It has nothing to do with not liking home or America. I suppose it has everything to do with missing a piece of my life that I was not prepared to give up yet. And that Uganda has come to mean everything to me. And the feeling of being caught in between 2 places, 2 desires, 2 ways of life, 2 me's. And not knowing what comes after all this...
So, until I figure myself out, I'll do as Mr. Harper suggests and fly, again - one time, out of this place to a new land.
Well, here's to home, where ever it may be.
2 comments:
Hi Friend,
I just read your blog and it broke my heart. I am so sorry that this transition is so hard for you. I think that it is kinda demeaning when people say that you were "just used to it". You built a whole life there. One with friends, housing, culture, support systems and impact. A whole life that you were not able to truly experience with anyone in your inner Wyoming circle.
You, my lady, have lived two amazing totally different lives. Both which you love and cherish. However, one you feel as though you are losing with each passing day, and the other you feel as though you don't belong to anymore. This is the definition to transition.
How does one do it? I don't know. For me it was very hard and I was not gone nearly as long as you (8 weeks). I did not have the time to establish a life where I was visiting, but experiencing and viewing America was never the same. Things that seem "simple" can make you angry, or lonely, or confused. Things that remind you of your old life become precious, invaluable in a way that no one else can understand.
What one has to remember and focus on is that there is a way to combine the two lives, the two cultures into one; into the life that they will love for the years to come. You can in some small way bring Uganda, and the things you love to the States. You can still appreciate the things from far away and still be involved here. You can still live here, and have a heart for the things that are far away.
Your eyes are now open, and because of that Lisa Balland will never be the same. The knowledge and experience you have will never leave you. One just has to take the time to integrate two lives into the one that they are meant to live. One where they may not feel at home where they are at, but content with who they are and where they are at. That is the beginning of home: contentment.
This I think will take you at least a year. Please let me know if I can do anything. I don't understand Uganda, but I do understand this time in your life and the feelings that come along with it. Call me if you need a beer.
Lindsay
Hey Lis--read your most recent posts tonight. huuuuhhh...this is not MY life, these are not MY experiences, they are YOURS. So why do I wish to live vicariously through your adaptations? I suppose it's because I have struggled to relate to someone, anyone, aside from those obvious people who went through it with me, since I've been back. And fuck--it's been 2 years already. July 15th. And tomorrow you are 25--FUCK! Time-warped, time-fucked. And how poetic you describe the irony of time being "up". Grandpa once told me, "you know what they say about nostalgia..." I said, "huh?" and he said, "It's the wave of the future!" and he smiled his silly face smile and I smiled through tears--another saying to live by.
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